Former Defra minister Lord Gummer says peat-free composts will emerge to fill the two-million cubic metre hole if the Government goes ahead with its plan to ban peat this year. One such new product is bagged Royal Deer Manure, newly available from all good garden retailers.
The warrant-holding manure must only be sourced from red deer stags that graze in Royal Parks, and only shovels made with English oak handles and Sheffield steel blades may be used to shift the manure into antique pewter buckets by specialliy trained Comptroller Regent Ancient Ponysoldiers.
The product will rival £164.95/kg Peruvian pelican guano from the Calmrya region atoll in the Pacific and the £970/kg Madagascan wildcat civet kupi lawak as the world's most exclusive organic dung.
Manchester United FC is among customers of the jubilee product, which is being dubbed "the Queen's guano" and the "effluent for the affluent" and is dropping in 20-tonne bags at £2,000.22 each.
Professor Flora Poil of the Cheltenham Royal Agriculture Polytechnic said of the certified royal antler product: "With chemicals and peat bogs being outlawed, this is perfect timing for innovative natural products to be made available to horticulture and soil science."